The Tiger who came to her Dinner Party

Two of the best-loved picture book stories when our children and grandchildren were very young were Judith Kerr's 'The Tiger who came to Tea' , and Julia Donaldson's 'Gruffalo' and 'Gruffalo's Child' .  I couldn't resist writing adult versions.


The tiger who came to her dinner

Was noticeably leaner and thinner

Than the one in the story

Where the tiger ate all he

Could find in that little girl's house.

This one, being lean

Was predictably mean

His dietary preference eclectic

To discriminate

The food that he ate

From his hosts,  was not wholly expected.

Having gate-crashed her party

(Which had been clever and arty)

He proceeded to taste then devour

The canapes first

And then the deserts

Whose creation had taken her hours

He then turned his attention

With no hint of pretension

To those plates bearing nouveau cuisine

And those artistic morsels

He ate up with some sauce till

His hostess was ready to scream..!

But with the utmost restraint

(She'd been ready to faint)

She then scaled the heights of politeness

And said "Tiger dear"

(As she trembled with fear)

"Can I get something else for your highness?"

The tiger he growled in his tigerish way

As tigers do in the zoo

As he circled the table the dinner guests all

Felt an urgent need for the loo

"I've a terrible thirst" , growled the terrible tiger

And to be fair, he did sound a bit hoarse

"I've emptied the taps and the kitchen sink,

What else have you got I could drink?"

He'd drunk all the milk and the juice in the big fridge

Of the prosecco and kefir there remained not a vestige..

But he growled yet again " I've still got a thirst"

It was then his poor hostess feared the worst....

And a fate worse than death at that moment befell her

As he padded towards her spouse's wine cellar

From her trembling throat came a series of squawks

From the cellar there came a great popping of corks

As he proceeded to drink all of her champagne

Soon just the dregs of her fine wines remained

As he emerged from the cellar at long long last

She and her guests sat white-faced and aghast

But the tiger just smiled (in the way tigers do)

Proffered a paw, said politely; "Thank you"

He left by the window, and just as his tail

Vanished into the dark, she let out a wail

As she heard the front door bell's musical ring

And knew that that sound could mean only one thing..

Her husband..

It's only me, I've forgotten my key,

But you don't seem very pleased to see me...?

Then he strode into the dining room to take over as host

Where the guests deathly pale as if they'd seen a ghost

My dear it seems that you've had quite a party

It appears it was drunken as well as quite arty

Now I suppose that you're going to tell me...

No, let me guess...

You had a tiger who came to tea!

She said... "Yes"

Oh well that's alright then

We'll just leave this mess

I'm going to take you and all of our guests

To a slap up meal..

At Pizza Express!

© nigel hallworth 2021