Nigel Hallworth

POSH TOURIST

You've sat in the queue

With nothing to do

But admire Stonehenge from the road

Then you braved the A 30

Averaging thirty

Summer's best for roadworks and wide loads

You've driven through Cornwall

Unimpressed and aloof

The scenery's not up to much, in truth

You sneered at Macdonald's on Hamburger Hill

And averted your eyes from Redruth

You've driven past Newquay and missed Perranporth

Not really the sort of resort for your sort

St. Ives is too busy - (you can't quite afford Rock)

Port Isaac’s a pain, ‘cos you park up the top

You encountered a queue

Where four lanes become two

At the top of the Roseworthy dip

But on the outside

Though it's not very wide

There's a traffic-free lane just for you!

So you whizzed and you weaselled

In your four-wheel-drive diesel

And pushed in at the head of the queue

The locals can wait

You've got more on your plate

They're only going to work

But now you've arrived at your long journey's end

At this quaint fishing village that's really 'on trend'

And you're sitting back thinking 'how good can this get'

There's flowers and wifi in your holiday let

It's a fine 'town house' with a view of the sea

Elegantly positioned looking down on the quay

You've a gin on the go, and the conversation flows

You look forward to lunch, and an afternoon doze

If this was Spain it would be a siesta

But you're English and so, it's an 'afternoon rest' here...

So it’s all going fine, you’ve moved onto the wine

You’ve already decided where you will dine

Cornwall is poor, so they’re always whining

But for people like us there’s designer dining.

So you think you're in heaven

But it's only Porthleven

And Rick Stein's is shut for a week

You're a posh tourist, but remember,

It'll soon be September

And you're only here for a week..

You're a bleddy posh tourist

Who thinks Cornwall's "quite glorious "

But you're only here for a week...

You'll go back to the city

Where you work - what a pity!

You were only here

For a week.....