Nigel Hallworth

Inescapably displayed a few inches from your face, on the wall above the luxurious urinals of a posh Cornish pub, was a poster extolling the attractions of its sumptuous burger menu:

BURGER MURDER

When you stand here wee-ing

You can’t but help seeing

At close range, in a frame, on the wall

The mouth-watering menu

Proudly served at this venue

And you’re tempted to order it all.

Each burger is filled with succulent meats

A glistening globulous culinary treat

With cheese oozing out between layers of fat

Cooked and congealed by the heat from the meat

But it isn’t all meat - it’s a well balanced meal

Between the meat layers there’s veggie appeal!

There’s onions there deep fried in hot liquid fat

Tomatoes and peppers in sunflower oil sat

With a limp leaf of lettuce cowering inside

I doubt if my mouth would open that wide

And if I ate all that

And got round and fat

I’d soon be unable to see

Past the swell of my belly

Any part of my willie

When next I stood here for a pee..

But that soon wouldn't matter

If I dined on that platter

With cholesterol clogging my heart

My great increase in size

Might well spell my demise

Cut down in my prime

A culinary crime

Gastronomical murder

By double cheeseburger