Nigel Hallworth

The beautifully illustrated online NHS ‘Guide to Healthy Ageing’, runs to 18 separate sections spread over two dozen pages of sensible and well-intentioned advice.

This isn’t one of them:

AN ODE TO BREAKFAST

When your joints start to creak

And your bladder to leak

And you’ve been told you’ve got cataracts starting

Your bedsheets are moist

And you'd quite like a hoist

And you’re prone to involuntary farting

Your skin starts to thin

But the rest of you isn...

And you’re always cold

Then you know you’ve got old…

Then it's time to fight back

To go on the attack

You've survived you've arrived

You're mature!

You've done your bit!

Now you don't give a shit

You're not ready to be shown the door

So begin your resurgence

Now’s the best time to start

Time is short, so it’s urgent!

Be brave - take heart!

(But make sure it's your own…)

Don’t delay! Start today!

Start again! Burn your boats!

Start the day in a new way

Dye your hair, wear a toupée

Greet the day, smell the coffee

Don’t be old wet and soppy

Forget the toast and marmalade!

You’re a new you and renewed so don’t be afraid

To laden your plate with eggs and hog’s pudding

Bacon and sausage and lovely fried goodies

Onion rings, mushrooms, tomatoes and beans,

Fried bread and black pud till you burst at the seams..

So that’s - oranges, grapes, hops, onion (rings), tomatoes, beans, - that’s six of your five a day..

And if with your breakfast you’d like some red wine

Or a mid-morning pint, then I think you’ll be fine

You’re on the last stretch, it’s downhill all the way

Meaning time’s speeding up, so enjoy every day!

Just as a loo roll goes round very fast

When you’ve used all the sheets and you’re nearing the last

Sound the last fanfare!

Show the world you don’t care!

Hit the high notes today - and with luck have your oats!

But with yoghurt and milk -

In a bowl…..