Nigel Hallworth

THE POTATO CRISP ....or : The middle-aged person's guide to long-term survival, whilst maintaining a relatively healthy lifestyle in conjunction with an active interest in recreational alcohol and bar snacks.

The potato crisp

Is not without risk

To arterial circulation

And what is more

It's responsible for

The obesity plaguing this nation

And beer I fear

Whether cloudy or clear

Can be blamed for both gout and dementia

Hence, exotically flavoured tea is favoured

Amongst the intelligentsia

And if drinking red wine's

Good for Frenchmen, that's fine

They drink wine when they dine

Which is most of the time..

So they probably drink quite a lot

For the English, it's not.

(And it's worse if you're Scots.)

It all ends in cirrhosis

And spots.

So if wine's not benign

And malt whisky's malign

And your health is at risk from the grub

Though you're hale and quite hearty

For the sake of your arteries

Is it safe to set foot in the pub?

"Our crisps are 'hand-baked' "

But despite that they'll make

Your belly expand and your coronaries ache

The blurb on the back of the meanly filled pack

Proclaims the crisp-baker’s mission

Finest local potatoes, a bit of mature cheddar, and the oniony twang of that most snippable of herbs...the chive...

It takes quite some time to read all the facts

Concerning fried potato nutrition

In seven languages, including Arabic.

But nowhere does it say

That you'll eventually pay

For that fleeting full-tummy sensation.....

For remember, the crisp

Is not without risk

To arterial circulation.

But, if you survive

Mature cheddar and chive

And nauseous prawn and chorizo

There's still ready-salted -

Do you remember those little blue packets of salt at the bottom of the packet ??

Unsullied and pure

There's no harm in them.....

"There can't be" ... are you sure?

Just applaud your restraint

You're so good you're a saint

You'll be canonised once you are late

But a rather worse fate

Sad to say, awaits

When you purchase your next brimming jar

For behind the bar

Much more deadly by far

Are those crispy pork bits in a packet

You'd be better advised

If you value your lives

To be eating your spuds in their jackets

And if you must have a snack

From that tempting big pack

Of succulent hand-fried potater

Here's what to do

Just munch one or two

And save some of the rest,

For later.

If you can.